she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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