I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize