for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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