For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
