is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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