I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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