you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
