You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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