He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
