I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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