Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
