and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
