I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
