as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
