any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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