Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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