How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
