What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
