Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
