After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize