i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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