I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
