Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
