Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
