Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
