I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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