My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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