I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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