I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The air taste purple.
Randomize