I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
