I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
