I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize