he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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