Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
