you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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