Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
