that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
