Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
