i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
