This is not my ceiling
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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