Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
