Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
