so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
