OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
