your thong is hanging out like whoa
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
