just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
