I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
