Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
