Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
