Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
