You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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