Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Of course I have a pirate flag
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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