I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Help. Why am I so naked?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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