Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
