no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
