weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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