There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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