I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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