So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
