i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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